From lower case wc productions, WE PRESENT... *** Mutual of Wausau's *** **** MILD KINGDOM! **** With your hosts, Marlon Jackson and trusty game warden Jim. MARLON: Hello. And welcome to Mutual of Wausau's MILD KINGDOM. I'd like to take this opportunity to remind you that yes, I was a pivotal member of the Jackson 5. PIVOTAL. Today, we're going to visit the Central Arkansas Wolfpack in its native setting. But first, these words from our sponsor. SCENE: TWO PLANES COLLIDING IN MIDAIR V/O: If you and your entire family dies in a freak accident, WHAT ABOUT YOUR TAXES? SPOKESPERSON: Here at Mutual of Wausau, we have the answer to these and many other seemingly nonsensical questions. WOMAN: My husband was decapitated in an on-the-job accident. Should I use *more* hand lotion now? CHILD: There's, like, this bully, like. He beats me up every day and takes my lunch money, like. Should I amortize the losses from this on my P&L statement? BLUE DEVIL: Need more puddin'! Gotta have puddin'! Gonna go buy $500.00 worth of puddin'! Can't have enough puddin'! SPOKESPERSON (enters stage left, pats BLUE DEVIL on the head affectionately) Yes, here at Mutual of Wausau, we have answers to these questions. And some day, we may tell you some of them. ONSCREEN CG: MUTUAL OF WAUSAU. Because so much is riding on your tires. MARLON: Welcome back to MILD KINGDOM. Today we travel to Little Rock, known for presidents, trailer park women who sleep with presidents, and the wolf pack. STOCK FOOTAGE OF TWO HYENAS SNIFFING EACH OTHERS' CROTCH MARLON (offscreen): The wolf pack's origins are lost in history. Dr. Isa B. Oh, of the Natural History of Wolves And Small Furry Things, however, has come forward with ancient capture files which could shed some light on the birth of the wolf pack. DR. OH: We see here on this printout from 1992 conclusive proof of organized flaming. MARLON: Yes, there's Wired Child... DR. OH: He's ubiquitous. Ignore him. MARLON: And look, there's Dagarth! Were they on the same side? DR. OH: Often. But we feel that was purely coincidental. Look at their flanks... MARLON: I see.. both alpha males? DR. OH: Aren't they all? MARLON: I must say, Dr., you don't look Japanese. DR. OH (spoken to cameraman) Where did you get this feeb? MARLON: To learn more of the wolf pack, we sent Jim into the lair of its cunning leader, Blackthorne. (CAMERA MOVES ABOUT WILDLY. GUNFIRE CAN BE HEARD THROUGHT) JIM: (screaming) This was a bad idea, Marlon! Never corner a wolf in his lair! OFFSCREEN: Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkk! MARLON: Try to move in closer, Jim! JIM: YOU move in closer! OW! I'm hit! MARLON: We'll be back with Jim in a moment. JIM: Medic! Medic! CUT TO COMMERCIAL MOONDANCER: Hi. I'm not White Rose, although I play him on TV. Are you unemployed? Do you NEED a new career? Then join the Church Of The Second Blackthorne and get on track to your new life! CHASTITY: I joined, and now my whites are whiter, my colors brighter, and I got to sleep with the preacher! DIOGENES: Go away. BLUE DEVIL: Puddin'! MOONDANCER: Yes, here at the CO2B, we believe that Foul Conquers All. And with your new Foul Factor, you'll face the world with confidence! WILDFIRE: Since I joined the Church, I got rid of my silly handle, and now I use words like "b*tch" and "p*ss" just like my big sister! WIRED CHILD: Now that I joined, nothing happened. DIOGENES: MOONDANCER: Join the Church of the Second Blackthorne TODAY! Call now! 1-900- CALL-NOW! If you join today, we'll give you a set of complimentary Toad Dice ABSOLUTELY FREE! (ONSCREEN CG) The Church of the Second Blackthorne. Not affiliated with the Temple of Dagdoll. MARLON: To find out more about the wolfpack, we interviewed a noted park ranger on the scene. AUTOX: I don't know, man. I just thought that I'd open up this bulletin board and the kids would play games and I'd get to quit selling pipe, but these wolves just took over. MARLON: What measures have you taken to try to assert control? AUTOX: I hired the most notorious enforcer I could find. COSMO: (stock footage) I *AM* the law on TCE ONE! AUTOX: But after a lengthy struggle, he surrendered for 4 cases of Milwaukee's Beast and a pirated copy of Tie Fighter. Now there's nothing to stop the wolf pack. MARLON: Nothing, that is, save the wolf pack themselves. BREEZE: I've been observing the wolf pack for years now. I suppose you could call me an expert, although I haven't really been following it of late. But one thing I can assure you of... they will eat their own young. COCL: Just treat them with respect. That's all they ask for. I think they're just misunderstood. ENGLISHMAN: anyone Seen GOM? Hi! i think Kalipzo's CUTE!!!!1!! FALCON: Just walk away. Don't ever turn your back. Don't ever show fear. MARLON: Let's check in with Jim, for a live interview with the wolfpack's alpha male, Blackthorne. (GUNFIRE RAGING, OCCASIONAL MORTAR SHELL IMPACTS.) CAMERAMAN: Jim's down, man. It's just me here. I don't know what to do, man. It's bad news here, man. MARLON: Get a hold of yourself. CAMERAMAN: It's too late man WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE.... (SUDDEN BURST OF GUNFIRE, STATIC) MARLON: Well, that's all for today on Mutual of Wausau's Mild Kingdom. Next week we look at the Glory and Black Fire Show -- one year later, where are they now? Until then, good night. WIRED CHILD: I'm here for the interview... (ROLL CREDITS) wC